i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
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My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
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I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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