then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
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you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
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it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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