There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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