I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
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Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
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How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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