He asked to "fluff my boner.."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
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They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
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drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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