I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You were trust falling into bushes
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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