he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
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I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
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You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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