I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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