your thong is hanging out like whoa
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
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She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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