Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
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We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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