My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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