I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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