Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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