Your mouth is God's brothel.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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