If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
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I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
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I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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