I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
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I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
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Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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