her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize