shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
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hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
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If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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