During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize