Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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