I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
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I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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