Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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