did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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