I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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