Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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