I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
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after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
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I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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