I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize