I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
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Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
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I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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