I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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