My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
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While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
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cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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