That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
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It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Just puked most of my soul out..
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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