You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
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Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
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Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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