he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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