first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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