somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
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IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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