you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
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i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
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The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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