the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
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I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
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