Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
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Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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