They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Pooping to opera.
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