The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
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I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
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My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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