We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
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Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
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DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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