birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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