they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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