I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
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my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
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Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize