So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
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He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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