This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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