then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
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He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
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I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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