Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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