After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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