You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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